How to Talk to Family About Decisions

How to Talk to Family About Decisions

1. You choose the location

A simple, steady guide for navigating conversations that can get emotional fast


When someone dies, families often find themselves having conversations they’ve never had before — and having them while tired, grieving, overwhelmed, or in shock.


This chapter isn’t about forcing agreement.


It’s about giving you a way to talk through decisions without things spiraling.

1. Start with what you do know

Most families begin by focusing on what they don’t know:

  • “I don’t know what they wanted.”
  • “I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.”
  • “I don’t know what everyone else expects.”


That’s a fast track to conflict.


Instead, start with what you do know:

  • what mattered to the person
  • what they said in passing
  • what they didn’t want
  • what feels true to who they were
  • what the family can realistically manage


You don’t need a perfect roadmap.


You just need a starting point.

2. Keep the conversation small

Big, open‑ended questions like:

  • “What should we do?”
  • “What does everyone want?”


…tend to create chaos.


Smaller questions work better:

  • “Do we want something simple or something more structured?”
  • “Do we want to gather now or later?”
  • “Do we want burial or cremation?”
  • “Do we want a service at a church or something private?”


Small questions lead to clear answers.


Clear answers lead to progress.

3. Use the legal next‑of‑kin order as the anchor

This is where most tension comes from:

Who actually gets to decide?


The law is very clear about who has the authority to make decisions.


It’s not a debate.


It’s not a vote.


It’s not based on who feels the strongest.


The legal next‑of‑kin order exists to prevent conflict, not create it.


Once the person with legal authority is identified, the conversation shifts from:

“Who decides?”to“How do we support the person who decides?”


That alone diffuses a lot of tension.

4. Don’t try to solve everything in one conversation

Families often try to make every decision at once:

  • cremation or burial
  • service or no service
  • location
  • timing
  • obituary
  • belongings
  • finances


That’s too much for anyone.


Break it into stages:

Stage 1: What needs to happen right now

Stage 2: What needs to happen this week

Stage 3: What can wait


Most things can wait.

5. Use “This feels most like them” as the guiding phrase

This is the single most effective way to keep conversations grounded.


Not:

  • “I want…”
  • “You want…”
  • “They would’ve wanted…” (unless they said it clearly)


But:

“This feels most like them."


It shifts the focus away from personal preference and toward honoring the person.


It’s hard to argue with that.

6. If someone is overwhelmed, give them a role — not a decision

Some people shut down.


Some people get loud.


Some people disappear.


Some people try to control everything.


Instead of pushing them into decision‑making, give them a role:

  • writing the obituary
  • choosing photos
  • contacting a pastor
  • organizing a meal
  • handling thank‑you notes later
  • choosing flowers
  • coordinating out‑of‑town family


Roles give people purpose without giving them pressure.

7. If someone disagrees, ask why, not what

“What do you want?” leads to arguments.


“Why does that matter to you?” leads to understanding.


Most disagreements aren’t about the decision — they’re about:

  • guilt
  • fear
  • tradition
  • expectations
  • family history
  • wanting to feel included


Once you understand the “why,” the “what” becomes easier.\


8. You don’t have to agree on everything

Families often think they need unanimous agreement.


You don’t.


You just need:

  • clarity
  • respect
  • a plan
  • someone with legal authority to make the final call


Agreement is nice.


Clarity is better.

9. How we help

We don’t mediate family conflict.


We don’t take sides.


We don’t tell you what you “should” do.


But we do help by:

  • explaining the legal next‑of‑kin order
  • clarifying what decisions actually need to be made
  • breaking things into manageable steps
  • giving you neutral language to use
  • keeping the process calm and steady


You don’t have to navigate the conversations alone.

If You Remember Nothing Else


Remember this:

You don’t have to solve everything at once.


Start small.


Stay focused on what feels most like the person.


Let the legal next‑of‑kin order guide the process.


And give each other room to be human.


There is no perfect conversation.


There is only progress.