Talking to Children

Talking to Children

How to explain death to kids without confusing them, scaring them, or talking over their heads

1. Kids Need the Truth — The Simple Version

Children don’t need the whole truth.

They need the simple truth.

Something like:

• “Grandpa died. That means his body stopped working.”
• “She isn’t coming back, but we can remember her and talk about her.”
• “He died because he was very sick, and nothing could fix it.”

Short.

Clear.

Direct.

No poetry.

No metaphors that accidentally create new fears.

2. Avoid Euphemisms (They Backfire)

Adults say things like:

• “We lost her.”
• “He went to sleep.”
• “She passed.”
• “He went away.”

Kids hear:

• “If we lost her, we should find her.”
• “If he went to sleep, sleep is dangerous.”
• “If she passed, where?”
• “If he went away, will he come back?”

Euphemisms create confusion and anxiety.

Plain language creates safety.

3. Let Them Ask Questions

Kids ask questions adults would never say out loud:

• “Where is he now?”
• “What happens to the body?”
• “Can you die from a cold?”
• “Who’s going to take care of me?”
• “Are you going to die too?”

Answer calmly and simply.

You don’t need perfect answers — just honest ones.

If you don’t know, it’s okay to say:

“I’m not sure, but I’m here with you.”

That sentence does more for a child than any polished explanation.

4. Kids Grieve in Waves

Adults grieve in long stretches.

Kids grieve in short bursts.

One minute they’re crying.

The next minute they’re asking for a snack.

Then they’re playing.

Then they’re sad again.

This isn’t avoidance.

It’s how their brains protect them.

Let them move in and out of grief without forcing them to “stay in the moment.”

5. Let Them Participate (If They Want To)

Children often feel safer when they’re included in the process.

Options that work well:

• drawing a picture
• choosing a flower
• placing something meaningful at the service
• writing a note
• lighting a candle (with help)
• sitting with a trusted adult

They don’t need to do everything.

They just need to feel connected.

6. Should Kids Attend the Funeral?

Here’s the real answer:

If they want to go, let them go.

If they don’t want to go, don’t force it.

A few guidelines:

• Explain what they’ll see and hear.
• Tell them who will be there.
• Tell them what people might be doing (crying, hugging, talking quietly).
• Give them an “exit plan” — someone who can step out with them if they need a break.

Funerals can be grounding for kids when they’re prepared.

7. What Kids Need Most

Kids don’t need perfect explanations.

They need:

• honesty
• routine
• reassurance
• presence
• patience
• space to ask questions
• permission to feel whatever they feel

And they need to know one thing above all:

They are safe.

Say it out loud.

Say it more than once.

8. What to Watch For

Most kids cope well with clear communication and support.

But reach out for help if you notice:

• ongoing nightmares
• extreme withdrawal
• sudden aggression
• fear of being alone
• regression (bedwetting, clinginess, etc.)
• statements about wanting to “go be with” the person who died

These are signs a child needs extra support — not that you’ve done anything wrong.

If You Remember Nothing Else

Remember this:

Kids don’t need perfect words.

They need honest ones.

You don’t have to be a child psychologist.

You don’t have to have all the answers.

You just have to show up, stay calm, and tell the truth in a way they can understand.

That’s what helps them feel safe — and that’s what helps them heal.